I’m not one for crash diets, probably because I don’t hate myself, or food for that matter. But after the usual holiday-related gluttony, I’ve been feeling sluggish and eager to get back to a routine that less resembles Michael Phelps in training but minus most of the workouts. But how? What flawless and unimpeachable health guru is there to turn to for advice?
Gwyneth Paltrow to the rescue. In case you haven’t heard, Gwyneth has a website and e-newsletter called goop, which I think stands for “White Girl Problems Weekly.” But enough internet whiners have complained about her giving advice from a place of privilege, as if she’s the only celebrity to ever do so. No Gwyneth haters are we.
In fact, my roommate and I are embarking on a 7-day detox goop cleanse recommended by Ms. Paltrow. The good news is that we’re not starving ourselves. The bad news is that we can’t have dairy, gluten, processed foods, red meat, sugar, caffeine, or alcohol, so it feels like we are.
We’ve concocted a plan to get us through this trying time and hopefully save the lives of our friends and colleagues. Gwyneth got us into this mess, and only she can get us out. We’ve scoured her filmography to present you with one Gwyneth movie for each day of your cleanse. Ready, set, detox!
Day 1: Iron Man
It’s Day 1, and you’re feeling excited, anxious, and a little powerful. For the cleanse kick-off, I’m recommending the original Iron Man with Gwynnie as Tony Stark’s long-suffering assistant Pepper Potts. For the next 7 days, it will help to think of yourself as another unlikely superhero. And I can think of no better cure for a caffeine withdrawal headache than heaps and heaps of RDJ.
Day 2: Shallow Hal
It’s what’s on the inside that counts, blah blah blah. It’s Day 2 and your stomach is cannibalizing itself. Time to think thin.
Day 3: Sliding Doors
Wherein you realize that there is another you in an alternate timeline who’s currently housing a double at Shake Shack instead of sipping room temperature lemon water.
Day 4: Shakespeare in Love
On Day 4, you’ve reached a state of calm acceptance. This is the fate you have chosen for yourself and you’re feeling kind of zen about it. No better time for a sweeping period piece. Also, you’ll be too weak from hunger to be bothered by the historical inaccuracies.
Day 5: Sylvia
The zen state has passed, and that oven’s looking pretty inviting right now.
Day 6: Duets
Loopiness kicks in on Day 6. Everything is hilarious. Your friends find you laughing hysterically at blank walls. You have no judgement or taste left. It’s time for the Huey Lewis/Gwyneth karaoke comedy, Duets. You’re cruising towards the finish line…(Cruising! Get it?)
Day 7: The Talented Mr. Ripley
The cleanse is over! You made it, and only drove yourself moderately insane. Reward yourself with the homoerotic and murderous Italian adventures of Matt Damon, Jude Law, and life hero Gwyneth in The Talented Mr. Ripley.
Thanks for playing, readers! I hope that your new year is filled with goop-y pleasures and devoid of toxins, both mental and physical. May queen Gwyneth bless us all.