On Valentine’s Day, since Kim’s boyfriend is out of town and I’m flying solo preeeeetty much always, we’ll be celebrating our second annual Galentine’s Day! Plans include a taping of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon; some pastel baked goods; and sneaking miniature bottles of whiskey into a screening of Safe Haven. Romance!
Now, my default setting is single, and I’m fine with that. Why wouldn’t I be, when I have all these amazing TV boyfriends? (Read that as something less sad than it sounded in my head.) I’m not opposed to wife-ing up, however, and CLEARLY, I have a type. So, if you know any nerdy-hot, brown-haired boys of an average height and an above-average wit, send them my way.
For comparison, here are my Top 5 TV Valentines, in no particular order:
1. Eric Taylor
Friday Night Lights is a veritable buffet of delectable TV boyfriends. There’s something for everyone, whether you prefer Tim’s nobility; Jason’s perseverance; Matt’s sweetness; Landry’s sense of humor; or any of the other qualities displayed by the men of East and West Dillon. I love each and every one of them, but my heart will always come back to Coach.
Eric Taylor is a MAN-man, you guys, and not just because he’s so Sporty Spice. He is a husband and a father and a mentor, and takes all of those roles seriously. The chemistry between Kyle Chandler and Connie Britton was so epic that the creative team were sure they’d be having an affair before filming even began. They didn’t (that we know of…), but good god, do I see why they were concerned. The Taylor marriage would DESTROY in a cagematch of TV marriages.
And then there’s Eric as parent – to occasionally bratty daughter Julie, surprise!baby Gracie Bell, and the hundreds of boys he mentored and elevated as coach of the Dillon Panthers and Lions. As you may know if you’ve ever been in a bar with me after 1am on a particularly good night, I have the entire Coach/Saracen nighttime field scene from first season episode “Eyes Wide Open” memorized. Before all the “WHAT IS YOUR NAME?” inspirational yelling, Coach tells Matt exactly what he thinks about his tiny house and batty grandma:
“I’ll tell you somethin’. I know you didn’t want me to step foot in your house tonight. I’ll tell you somethin’ else and don’t you ever forget this: you should feel proud. You should feel real proud.”
If you ever felt confused about whether you wanted Coach to adopt you and help you unlock all your latent potential OR to rock your world in the back of a flat-bed truck, then congratulations – you watched FNL correctly.
2. Josh Lyman
From his introduction in The West Wing pilot, I was a 1003758% gone Josh Lyman fangirl. He is a hot damn mess of a person, I know. But Joshua Lyman is the same brilliant, wounded idiot that all of us have spent our lives chasing after. He just screams, “fix me.”
To prove I’m not a complete masochist, I’ll remind you of Josh’s good qualities: he’s rabidly loyal, and throws his entire self into his friendships and his work. He’s so fucking smart, and, whadaya know, speaks fluent Sorkin! Game on, indeed.
He also passes the “YOUR FACE” test, which has to do with how many times an episode I yell, “YOUR FACE!” and throw a pillow at the TV. See below.
3. Chandler Bing
Telling you that I love Chandler Bing is like telling you I have brown eyes. It’s chemical. It’s biological. It’s in my BLOOD.
4. Ed Stevens
Ed Stevens is perfectly on the edge of the right side of How I Met Your Mother‘s Dobbler/Dahmer line. His tireless pursuit of Carol Vessey (as Julie Bowen will always be known to me, Modern Family be damned) was so charming – how did the woman manage to resist for so long?
He is a BOWLING ALLEY LAWYER. How are you not going to marry that guy? Is there a roller skating rink doctor we don’t know about?
I will also accept as my Stuckeyville valentine Ed’s best friend, Dr. Mike Burton. We would spend our days making $10 bets and eating sarcasm sandwiches.
Finally: SOMEONE PUT THIS SHOW ON DVD, JESUS CHRIST.
5. Ben Wyatt
He owns his own batsuit and has hundreds of accounting jokes at the ready. What is not to love about Benjamin Wyatt, Human Disaster, Boy Mayor, First Man of Pawnee?
I basically sing the praises of Ben every week in my Parks recaps, so I don’t know what more there is to say. Just know that all the Roman gladiators and firey Latin lovers you could leave on my doorstep could never compare to a single Deputy City Manager in a plaid button-down.
Happy Valentine’s Day to all of our gorgeous readers! If we could, we’d hug each and every one of you, a little too tightly and for a little bit too long.
To those of you who are considering tuning in for 1600 Penn: A) What are you THINKING? and B) No.
Instead of supporting NBC’s headlong, willing nosedive into mediocrity, log into Netflix Instant, find The West Wing, and push play on Season 1, Episode 1. You won’t regret it.
I’ve had The West Wing on my queue for quite a while. As one of the few and rabid fans of the unfairly maligned Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, I knew that Aaron Sorkin’s most critically acclaimed series would fast become a favorite. Also, I have had a serious thing for Bradley Whitford and his dimples for YEARS.
I was right. I’ve marathoned Seasons 1-4 in just 2 months. True, it’s been described as “white liberal porn,” and not for nothing. But I’m white, I’m liberal, and I am EATING IT UP. And I need more people to talk about it with! So let my 10 reasons convince you, and then come and talk to me about your thoughts on C.J./Danny and the President’s secret plan to fight inflation. Thanks.
1. JOSH LYMAN
Hold on to your panties, ladies of DC: motherfuckin’ Josh Lyman is in the house.
Josh is President Bartlet’s Deputy Chief of Staff, but very much the chief of my heart. This asshole runs Washington like he’s the Fraternity President, everyone else is a freshmen, and it’s always pledge week. Everyone wants to get with him, but his heart truly belongs to his woodland nymph of an assistant/life partner, Donna Moss. (More on that later.) I am LIVING for him.
The West Wing lore has it that Josh is based on Rahm Emanuel, so, by the transitive property, I must be in love with him too.
2. CLAUDIA JEAN CREGG
Before I started my marathon, my friend Julia gave this lady the best possible introduction – she told me C.J. was a Leslie Knope level of awesome. And goddamn, was she right.
C.J. Cregg (codename: The Flamingo) serves as the White House Press Secretary, and the way she handles a roomful of rowdy reporters will make you weep and then build a shrine to her. Also, she’s played by Allison Janney, who’s never done anything wrong in her LIFE.
3. DONNATELLA MOSS
Donna Moss, my precious flower.
Donna (Janel Moloney) is so badass that she leapt from recurring supporting cast to the main credits between the first and second season. As assistant to Political Sex God, Josh Lyman, she’s the most organized, compassionate, well-adjusted person in the entire White House. Donna puts other people before herself, always, which is why she sticks around supporting Josh when she’s competent enough to take her career anywhere. (I believe she does, in later seasons.) She’s basically a blond, midwestern angel with a pocketful of sass. God, everyone on this show is so sassy.
4. Every other major character
You’ve got Chief of Staff and Presidential BFF Leo McGarry (John Spencer), who is all wise and supportive (and sassy). Toby Ziegler (Richard Schiff), Communications Director, whose cranky exterior often cracks to reveal his love and respect for his coworkers. (And sass.) In the first four seasons, ageless sorcerer Rob Lowe plays Sam Seaborn, your brilliant and slightly naive Deputy Communications Director. (With a heavy dash of sass.) The Body Man is Charlie Young (Dúle Hill), who is closer to the President than almost anyone and activates all his fatherly instincts. (Though, of course, Charlie IS known to occasionally sass him.) Your Commander in Chief is Josiah “Jed” Bartlet (Martin Sheen), an intellectual Democrat from New Hampshire. He’s almost perfect and you’ll want to campaign for him for the rest of your life. (P.S. He can be totally sassy sometimes.) And finally, Stockard Channing is the POTUS’s sexy, brilliant, fiesty, and (you guessed it), sassy wife, Doctor Abbey Bartlet. Rizzo herself is your First Lady. Is that a dream come true or what? Sass!
And if you DON’T like a character, don’t you fear. Wait a few episodes and Sorkin will have dropped ’em. Not written them off…just…dropped them. *coughMANDYcough* There’s something charmingly ruthless about it.