I’m not one for crash diets, probably because I don’t hate myself, or food for that matter. But after the usual holiday-related gluttony, I’ve been feeling sluggish and eager to get back to a routine that less resembles Michael Phelps in training but minus most of the workouts. But how? What flawless and unimpeachable health guru is there to turn to for advice?
Gwyneth Paltrow to the rescue. In case you haven’t heard, Gwyneth has a website and e-newsletter called goop, which I think stands for “White Girl Problems Weekly.” But enough internet whiners have complained about her giving advice from a place of privilege, as if she’s the only celebrity to ever do so. No Gwyneth haters are we.
In fact, my roommate and I are embarking on a 7-day detox goop cleanse recommended by Ms. Paltrow. The good news is that we’re not starving ourselves. The bad news is that we can’t have dairy, gluten, processed foods, red meat, sugar, caffeine, or alcohol, so it feels like we are.
We’ve concocted a plan to get us through this trying time and hopefully save the lives of our friends and colleagues. Gwyneth got us into this mess, and only she can get us out. We’ve scoured her filmography to present you with one Gwyneth movie for each day of your cleanse. Ready, set, detox!
Day 1: Iron Man
It’s Day 1, and you’re feeling excited, anxious, and a little powerful. For the cleanse kick-off, I’m recommending the original Iron Man with Gwynnie as Tony Stark’s long-suffering assistant Pepper Potts. For the next 7 days, it will help to think of yourself as another unlikely superhero. And I can think of no better cure for a caffeine withdrawal headache than heaps and heaps of RDJ.
Day 2: Shallow Hal
It’s what’s on the inside that counts, blah blah blah. It’s Day 2 and your stomach is cannibalizing itself. Time to think thin.